Why Duke Red Hates Rock So Fricking Much!
by Kairi Uzeniba
Summary: [For Nae'ka's challenge!] Duke Red hires some maids and butlers. Unfortunately, they'll do everything in their power to push Duke Red to insanity...through minor annoyances! [crackfic] [rated for weird things...]
1. A Huge Mistake

**A/N: I made this for Nae'ka's challenge! I hope it's funny. I added some extra stuff of my own, too. My motto: Read, Review, and Enjoy!**

**Chapter 1**

**A Huge Mistake**

Duke Red passed by his adopted son in the hallway.

"Hey, son." he said nicely. Rock grinned and waved.

Duke Red was going to see his new maid and butlers. They were going to be his closest servers. So he had to give them a little prep/pep talk before they began. When he arrived, he saw 5 maids and 5 butlers.

What Duke Red _didn't _know was that these 10 servers had been rejected from all other jobs because they were the most annoying, obnoxious, nosy pranksters in all of Metropolis. They'd played it smart this time, and acted normal when they were interviewed and put normal things on their resumès.

"Alright, servers," he began. "Welcome to the mansion of the Red Party! I hope you are happy with the wages I am offering you, and you can enjoy your working here. I shall try to be nice to you all. Any questions?"

A maid raised her hand. "Yes?" Duke Red responded.

"You have a very big nose." she stated blandly, pointing at his huge hook nose.

The Duke rubbed his nose a little. "Yes. I am aware of that. Anymore questions?"

A butler raised his hand. "Yes?"

"Are you gay?" he asked as if it were a normal question. There was a pause.

"…No. No I'm not." the Duke replied, trying not to get angry.

"Are you sure?" he questioned.

"_Yes._" he responded.

"_Really _sure?" he asked again.

"Look, I had a daughter, remember?"

"Oh." the butler said, disappointed.

Duke Red was getting pretty weirded out, so he dismissed his knew serving people.

THE NEXT MORNING…

Duke Red yawned as he awoke, still in bed. One of his new maids entered the room with a tray of coffee, tea and pastries.

"Good morning, Duke-AAAAAHAHAH!!" she screamed.

She spilled everything on Duke Red. _Everything. _The coffee all over his legs and his…you know. The tea all over his chest, and the jelly pastries all over his face.

Duke Red screamed as everything fell on him, but quickly stopped.

"What? What's going on?" he asked worriedly. The maid pointed at his face.

"You have…a…you have a _huge _nose!" she yelled. The Duke was silent.

"Get another maid to come clean this up." he gritted.

Soon another maid came in and everything was cleaned up. Soon he'd showered and dressed. The maid returned to make sure everything looked alright.

"Hello-oo!" she said happily. She went right up to Duke Red. "Oh, Duke Red. If only I could be as pretty as you."

"Um…what do you mean by that?" he asked nervously.

"You're so pretty, that's all." she said cheerily. The Duke blinked. Then the maid giggled and skipped away.

LATER…

Rock walked past Duke Red.

"Good morning father," he said.

"Morning Rock," he replied.

A butler stood nearby. When he saw this incident, he bounced his eyebrows naughtily. Duke Red was confused. "What?"

"You're so naughty, Duke. You said your weren't gay."

"Um…I'm not." he replied. "What are you trying to say?"

"Do you…'want'…Rock?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You know…'WANT' him. As in, go in a closet and don't come out for a while." the butler said, bouncing his eyebrows again.

There was a short pause.

"You have a sick mind!" Duke Red said. "He's my son! He may be adopted, but he's still my son!"

As Duke Red walked away, the gay butler slapped the Duke's ass. The Duke turned around and did the 'I'm watching you.' motion. And walked away.

The butler shook his head. "Typical."

As he walked down the hallway, he wondered whether hiring new servers was really a good idea. _This is getting pretty ridiculous, _he thought.

A maid began following him. Duke Red barely took notice.

_Ssh. _

A spray sound was heard. It sounded liked Lysol. The Duke ignored it. _It's just the maid. _

The Duke looked at a painting. It was of his family, when his wife and Tima were still alive. He tapped the picture lightly. Then he walked away.

_Ssh._

He turned around. The maid was rubbing the painting with a cloth.

"What are you doing??!" he yelled. The maid looked up.

"There was a little smudge, sir. I was just getting it off."

Duke Red kept walking.

Don't get too paranoid, Red, he thought. 

He came upon his certificate. Framed and untouched for a long time, it showed what year he graduated from a certain college. He rubbed his finger along where he'd signed his name. Then he walked away.

_Ssh._

He came across Rock.

"Hello, dad," Rock greeted.

"Hi." The Duke said blandly. Seeing Rock reminded him of that sick and twisted butler. He shuddered at the thought of it.

"Father?"

"Yes Rock?" the Duke said, turning around.

"Are you alright, you seemed a little irritated. Is everything o.k.?" he asked.

At least Rock was stilled considerate. "Yes, Rock I'm fine." The Duke put a hand on Rock's shoulder. "Don't you worry about it."

The Duke began to walk away.

_Ssh._

"Excuse me?" Rock said. Duke Red turned around. The maid was wiping off Rock's shoulder.

"Why do you keep doing that??!" Duke Red asked, frustrated.

The maid just stared at him. And ran away. Rock looked confused. Duke Red waved his hand meaning 'Just forget about it.' Rock shrugged and kept walking.

_This is starting to look like I made a mistake, _Duke Red thought.

**A/N: Yeah, this'll probably be multiple chapters. Probably only 2 or 3, though. Nae'ka, I hope you like this! I won't do **_**all **_**of your genius ideas, but I'll do a lot of them. Please review! Thanks, and come back for the next chapter!**


	2. A Mistake, Indeed

**A/N: I'm back! This fic is so messed up. Oh yeah! I have created a Metropolis forum! Please check it out. Alright, let's begin!**

**Chapter 2**

**A Mistake, Indeed**

Duke Red woke up the next morning. A maid entered his room.

"Don't spill anything on me!" he yelled. The maid looked confused.

"Why would I spill anything on you?" she questioned. "Your so pretty, I'd never cover such a pretty face with breakfast stuffs." (Yes, stuffs is a word)

She set the tray on the very confused Duke, and then she skipped away. Again.

_I'm in for a rough day, _he thought.

When he was out of bed, the gay butler was waiting for him a little ways away.

"If you were gay, HEY that'd be o.k., if you were gay…" he sang.

"NO!! I'm not gay! Leave me alone!" Duke Red screamed. He stormed off. He passed by Rock in the hallway.

"Good morning father—"

"Hi Rock, not now." Duke interrupted. He stormed past the very confused Rock.

Duke Red walked into the room. A maid was dusting off the long table. When Duke Red got closer, the maid looked up and her eyes widened. She screamed loudly and sprayed his face with Lysol. It got in his eyes, and he screamed and fell to his knees. When the Duke had finally cried the spray out of his eyes, he yelled,

"What??! What's going on??!"

The maid stared at him for a moment.

"You have a _humungous _nose!!"

There was a moment of silence. Dukey just left the room. (Dukey shall be another name for him)

_You've just got to make it to the meeting, Red, _thought Dukey. _You can probably fire most of these people later. Just make it to the meeting…_

Duke Red walked by another maid, who wore a skirt even shorter than the others, and was probably about 20. This maid jumped on Duke Red's back.

"Helloooo-ooo!" she yelled. "I LOVE YOU!!" She kissed him as the Duke tried to slam her into the wall.

"Off of me!!!" he yelled. She fell off. He ran now.

_Get to the meeting…get to the meeting…_ he thought.

When he was 10 feet from the room where he was supposed to be, a butler hastily stepped in front of him and simply smashed a pie in his face. When Duke Red cleared his face, the butler was gone. Duke Red had to get into the room before something else happened.

As Dukey entered, President Boon, Minister Skunk, and a whole bunch of other people were seated, and they all saw him.

Pie was all over his face, but you could still see he had lipstick all over him, and something he'd just done recently. He'd wet himself.

There was a long silence.

"Red," said President Boon, breaking the awkward silence. "You're obviously having a bad day. You're already in your house, just clean up and go back to bed."

Duke Red sighed. "Thank you."

As he left the room, a maid stood by the door.

"Minister Skunk is a _total _hottie. You should take lessons, ugly rooster."

But Dukey was too tired to care.

**A/N: Alright, I'm still waiting on Nae'ka to read this, but I hope more people will read this now. Please review! And come back next time!**


	3. Dukey Gets REALLY POed! Hooray!

**A/N: Hooray! Nae'ka has read this! Now I can officially do whatever I please with it. I kind of want to finish it quickly, because I have many other fics to be updated and stuff. For example, ****The Revival of Rock****, one of my Metropolis fics(read it, people! Please?) which I am utterly in love with. And my newest fic, ****The Pendant**** which is also a Metropolis fic I'm in love with. (Please read it!) And all sorts of other fics for other things. So the most chapters this fic could possibly have is 7, most likely 4 or 5. I ramble in my Author Notes! Read, Review, and Enjoy!**

**Chapter 3**

**Dukey Gets REALLY Pissed Off! Hooray!**

Duke Red had done exactly what President Boon had asked him too; clean up and go to bed. So that's what widdle Dukeykins did. (That can be another name for him. Hooray!)

A FEW HOURS INTO THE NIGHT…

It was 2:30 a.m., and widdle Dukeykins was sound asleep.

A maid slowly crept into the room. She held a baseball bat high above her head. Suddenly, she began to hit Duke Red with it. _Hard. _

He immediately woke up. He thought he might be getting murdered by some weird guy. He slammed his hand into the light, thus turning it on.

"What? What's going on?!?" Dukey screamed. The maid paused.

"You have a _giant _nose!!" she yelled, pointing at him.

The Duke was silent.

"Go away. _Now._" he gritted. The maid ran away.

Widdle Dukeykins wasn't even sure if he was awake or not. So he went back to bed.

LATER THAT MORNING…

Duke realized he wasn't dreaming when he woke up with an enormous lump on his forehead. He rubbed it and discovered that by merely touching it he felt quite a lot of pain.

A maid skipped in with a breakfast tray. "Good morning!" she sang.

Duke paid no attention to her. "I hate life today."

"Why?" she asked. "You're so pretty! I someone must've told you otherwise. It's not true! You're so pretty I'm almost jealous!"

She left the tray with Dukey and skipped away. Duke Red was so very confused he wasn't hungry. He left the tray, dressed, and left his quarters.

He walked grumpily through the hall. He saw Rock.

"Good morning fa-"

"Shut up." he grumbled and kept walking.

_Insolent little brat… _Dukeykins thought.

Duke Red kept walking. He made his way to his office. As he stepped inside, he saw a butler dusting off his desk. He was singing.

"Oops—I---did it again…I played with your heart… got lost in the game…oh BABY BABY…" he sang.

Duke Red cover his ears from the so called 'music.' He ran to the butler.

"Please stop!" he yelled. But the butler was singing so loud he didn't hear.

"I'm NOT—THAT—INNOCENT!!!" he sang…or, screamed, really. Dukey shook the butler.

"STOP!!!!" he yelled. The butler got the message and actually stopped.

"You mistreat your serving people." said the butler, who then walked away. Duke Red was confused. He sat down and began his various office work in a pissed-off sort of way.

LATER…

A butler walked into the room. Duke looked up.

"What do you want?" he asked impolitely.

"Earlier I heard you've been having it rough the last few days. So I got you a gift." he said, setting a small envelop on the table. Widdle Dukeykins paused.

"Thank you," he replied as he gingerly picked up the small envelope.

"Open it," the butler said.

Duke carefully open the gift with a letter opener. Dukey read what the certificate said.

"'You,  Duke Red , have been given this certificate for  $300,00 , at Victoria's Secret. You go girl.'"

There was a pause.

"Why?" Duke Red shivered.

"Well, I thought you might be needing it," the butler replied happily.

"Why the hell would I want this?" the Duke whispered, getting angrier by the second.

"Well, probably because…you know…you're a total pervert." the butler responded.

"What?"

"Well not just that," he continued. "I mean, you might need it because of…you know…the situation with Rock."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know…Rock hasn't exactly…gotten his…manliness…"

"I'm not understanding a single word of this," Dukey said, shaking his head.

"You know what I mean! Rock is a girl!" the butler blurted out.

There was another pause.

"Rock is a boy…I can assure you…" Dukey gritted.

"No, sir, I can assure _you _that Rock is a girl. Rock is Tima!"

There was yet another pause.

"Get out." Duke said, trying not to yell. The butler walked away mumbling something like 'staff mistreating.'

Duke sighed.

"I'm beginning to hate my life," he said to himself.

**A/N: I know, a short update, but Nae'ka isn't able to access her computer right now, so I don't want to make **_**too **_**much progress. Please review!**


	4. The Enmy Chapter

**A/N: I found out who Enmy is! Before I didn't know, I don't think I listened that hard, but I watched Metropolis again, and I understand now. Now I can do some more of Nae'ka's pranks! Read, Review, and Enjoy!**

**Chapter 4**

**The Enmy Chapter**

Duke Red was getting impatient. He'd asked a maid to bring him coffee half an hour ago, and she hadn't come back yet. Dukey sat at his little coffee table, tapping his foot impatiently.

Finally, a maid walked in. Dukey let out a sigh of relief. He needed that coffee, so he decided not to ask questions. As the maid came closer, she suddenly tripped and spilled the coffee all over Duke Red, who screamed.

"Sorry," she said, not seeming to care. "I'll go make more."

"No!" Widdle Dukeykins yelled. "Forget it!"

The maid slowly backed out of the room. Dukey sighed as he tried to wipe the coffee off himself.

"I need a maid to help me!" he yelled. A maid entered.

"Oh thank god…" Duke Red said, relieved.

It was Enmy who'd entered.

_Finally, a maid I actually trust! _Dukey thought. Enmy began to clean up the very stressed Duke.

"Those new maids and butlers you hired are not to be trusted," she warned. "They're constantly messing up things around here."

"I've noticed that," Widdle Dukeykins replied, trying not to yell "Duh!" into her face.

After cleaning up, Dukey walked into the hall. A butler was standing nearby.

"I know about Enmy." he said casually.

Duke Red stopped. "What?"

_No…_ Dukey thought. _He can't know that Tima was actually the daughter of me and Enmy, and I married my wife later!_

"Enmy is pregnant. And you're the father." said the butler. There was a pause.

"No," said Widdle Dukeykins. "That can't be…"

"Haha! I was just kidding." the butler said. The Duke sighed.

_What a relief… _he thought.

"Enmy _is _pregnant, though. Except Rock is the father, not you."

There was a long, awkward pause.

"You're lying…" Dukey said.

"Ask Enmy." the butler replied.

So Duke Red ran to Enmy. "Is it true??! Are you really pregnant??!"

Enmy paused. "Well---I…yes, in a way, but I…"

"WHAT???!" Widdle Dukeykins screamed. "Is Rock the father??!"

"How did you know about Rock?" Enmy replied.

Duke Red stopped talking. He slowly walked out of the room.

Enmy is pregnant…and Rock is the father… 

As Duke Red started going through one of those "This really sucks" moments, Rock walked by.

"Father?"

Duke Read looked up.

"You little bastard!!" Dukey yelled as he grabbed Rock by the collar. "You little pervert! How could you do that to Enmy???! How could you go and do something like that??!"

"Father! Father! What are you talking about??!" Rock yelled back at the psychopath possibly homicidal person we once knew as Duke Red.

"Don't lie to me, you cretin! When did you get Enmy pregnant???!"

"What??! I've never even dated a girl, how could I do that to Enmy?!"

"She said you did!!!"

"She must be lying!!!"

"STOP!!!"

Dukey stopped trying to kill Rock. Enmy had yelled stop.

"I didn't mean _this _Rock!" Enmy said. "The father is someone _named _Rock, but not _this _Rock! I'm not even really pregnant, it's a miscarriage!"

There was a long awkward pause.

Then Duke Red ran. He ran around the whole mansion at least 10 times, and even ran back to Rock and Enmy once. Oh, and he was screaming the whole time. Finally, after 10 minutes, he fell on his back panting.

"My life is a joke…" he said to himself.

**A/N: I just felt like updating. Not sure why. Please review!**


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